Friends

So the past few weeks I have been in one of those self-indulgent (yet no less difficult to deal with) phases my friend Robi and I refer to as "existential crises mode." You know the ones, where you start thinking things like Where is my life going? and Have I made the right choices? and How did I get to be 27 and have so little to show for it? and Why do I not have magical powers and an ultimate purpose? (No? Just me? Maybe it's all the YA fantasy books I read.). Anyway, that, coupled with some legitimate difficulties I've been dealing with, led to me being pretty upset for much of this week.

Enter, my two best friends. Given how very first world and, I'll say it again, self-indulgent my problem was, both of them could have easily told me to get over myself and been right to do so. Instead, Robi listened to me go on about how purposeless I feel, how I don't know what I really want, but I know I don't have it, and how guilty I feel for feeling that way. And then he told me that I wasn't the only one and I shouldn't feel guilty for it. A little friend-affirmation if you will. Bevin listened to me talk abut being scared about the future and about everything right now. She then helped me problem solve some of the issues and reminded me that transition is always stressful and a year from now things will be better. She helped calm my tendency to freak and think I'll never be able to fix whatever problem I'm dealing with.

These were some of those moments when I remember why friends are so important. Yeah, they're great for watching marathons of bad TV or sending entertaining links when you're bored at work or tipsily mocking people at basketball games, but its the fact that even 1600 miles and a shoddy internet connection away they can throw that life raft and pull me to shore that really matters. My family is great and I love my husband, but there are some things they just can't do. I have no idea how I would deal with adulthood, especially the past few years, without them.

I genuinely don't understand how people can go through life without friends. I am just not that kind of person. They offer you care, support, and fun without being legally obligated to do so. Everyone needs someone like that. I was lucky enough to find two of those people my first week of college. I'm so glad the school invited us all to live in the same group in the dorm.

So, at the risk of being totally gushy, I figured I would write a post to say that. People (me especially) don't often let others know how important they are, but I'm feeling sentimental. So, thank you.

Things I'm Loving Right Now

The Pioneer Woman
Reading her blog makes me want to move out to the country and cook all the time. Her food sound delicious, her photographs are gorgeous and so peaceful, and her writing is fun and funny.

Once Upon A Blog Pinterest

She pins the most beautiful, magical fairytale related pictures, from illustrations, to fashion, to re-tellings of stories. She also has a blog, which looks just as wonderful, though I've only skimmed it.

Out of Print Clothing
Shirts printed with book covers! How can it get any better than that? I'm dying to buy one for myself, but I'm having so much trouble deciding which one. I might just have to buy several.

Vintage Book Clutches by Hint Of Vintage

This is such a fun idea. The covers she uses are just beautiful and the fabric is lovely, too. What a unique alternative to a regular clutch.

BookBook MacBook cases by twelvesouth
These are way cuter than my laptop case. I don't have a MacBook, but the minute I have a laptop that will fit in one of these, I'm getting one.

Caracol
Her song La route popped up on my Pandora a few weeks ago and I can't get enough. I love her voice, I love the beat, and, of course, I love the French.

Resolution Check In

Just a post for myself, to keep track of how I'm doing.

1. Blog at least once a week. I've done fairly well on this. I might have missed one week. Now that school is back in session, I know it will be harder, but I plan on keeping it up. School will give me more fodder for my library blog and I've made a list of prompts for this one for when writer's block hits.
   
2. Use my planner effectively. I've found that this is becoming much easier with my crazy class schedule this semester. I'm so glad I made this a resolution.
   
3. Stick to our budget, especially the savings part. We're doing fine with savings, but we could be better with the rest of it.
   
4. Really take advantage of San Diego while I'm still here. We've made a list of things we absolutely want to do together. For the rest of the time when he's gone, I'm going to try to hit up a few other places alone. It's museum month, so I'm definitely taking advantage of that.
   
5. Be healthier. Aside from a couple of less than healthy restaurant meals, the eating has been pretty easy. The exercising is harder since it's difficult to be motivated after work, but it's coming along. The sleeping has not gone well.
   
6. Do things I love. I'm definitely working on this one. I have a hard time convincing myself that the house or homework or whatever can be put off for another hour.
   
7. Focus more on my marriage. He's been gone a lot, which is a struggle. We're managing, though.
   
8. Actually talk to my friends. I've been pretty good with this one. It's a pretty easy one.
   
9. Get a better hold on my career. Again, a struggle. Right now I'm working on learning more about networking, because I am terrible at it.
   
10. Submit my work to be published. No progress made at all.
    
11. Reduce my clutter. I've cleaned out the entire house in preparation for a garage sale. However, I'm sure there is more I could do. I'll make another round in a few weeks. I'm still working out the non-material clutter.
    

The Hardest Part

I had originally planned to write about my progress on my resolutions, as a way to keep myself accountable, but I think I'll come back to that later. Instead I feel like writing about something that flares up every now and then, but really hit me again last night.

In the past 5.5 years he's been in the Navy and 3.5 years that we've been married, my husband and I have spent quite a lot of time apart. This is inevitable when they're on sea duty, especially with a ship that deploys and goes underway as frequently as this one. It's to be expected and, to paraphrase what we spouses have been told over and over, I knew what I was getting into when I married him.

There are a lot of really crappy things that go along with spending a huge part of your marriage apart. Most of it you grow accustomed to. I can deal with household issues, car troubles, and money on my own. I can find ways to entertain myself. I can handle days alone, the missed holidays and events, going to weddings and parties by myself. I can even handle missing him when he's not there. We have email. We have the occasional phone call. When it's just an underway, he'll be back soon.

But you know what really sucks? Sometimes there are those days when something goes wrong that has a negative emotional impact, when you just need someone to hug you or distract you or even just be there next to you. Even when you know things will eventually be ok, you just need him in that moment and, no matter how much he wants to be, he can't be there and no amount of email is the same. You just have to go it alone.

That is the hardest part about all this.